By David Leonhardt

I've been known to be occasionally opinionated. Oops. My wife just caught that typo. I am told I have been known to be ALWAYS opinionated. I have several opinions on just about every topic. I am sure there are many times when people feel like rearranging my face. Unfortunately (for them!) there is no legal, ethical and safe method for them to accomplish their goal.

Being a thoughtful and kindly individual, I have looked far and wide for ways to help these poor victims of my over-active opinionation. Finally, I have found the perfect way to rearrange my face.

I have grown a beard.

NOTE: Yes, this is true. I am sure any friend reading this will fall over and need smelling alts right about now.

It was so easy that even you can do it.

Here is how I did it. (Ladies, please don't try this at home.) On Day 1, I did absolutely nothing, and I worked all day at it. On Day 2, I did nothing again, but this time I worked twice as hard doing it. On Day 3, I did nothing twice, and let me tell you just how much effort I put into that. On Day 4, I verified that nothing was still being done; supervisory work is always the toughest. Then I simply repeated the cycle, which is where I applied my strategic planning skills honed over many years of professional excellence.

It's been about five or six weeks since funny things first started growing on my face, and my it has definitely been rearranged.

To be honest, for a change, the decision to grow my beard was not only to atone for my hyperopinionation. I really just wanted to see what I looked like in fur. Curiosity is the real reason for growing my beard.

Oops, there goes my ever-vigilant wife, catching another typo of mine. I am told that line should have read: "Laziness is the real reason for growing my beard."

To be honest, yet again, I did the four-day working-hard-doing-nothing cycle more by accident than by design. Working out of home leaves nobody to impress but a skunk, a stray cat now and then, the cherry tree and a handful or two of blue jays. The days can just kind of slip away from you. Before I knew it, I had the fuzzy sketch of a beard scribbled across my face. That would have been such a shame to waste.

That's when I got curious.

OK, OK. And lazy.

Some nay-sayers in the international paparazzi have suggested that I am growing my beard to make up for my receding headlines. Or hairline. I've heard them all.

"Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, your hair was on your head. Now, your head is on your hair, living fuzzily ever after."

"Hey, your hair must have slipped right off your head. It's clinging on for dear life."

"Love that solar panel. It is really fueling a growth below."

"Hey, look. It's the 'Hanging Gardens of Babble-on'"

Ha, ha, ha, very funny.

I think my curiosity is settled now. I am still just as lazy, but I am primed to shave off the fur. Unfortunately, my wife's grandmother has not yet seen it, so I am keeping it on by special request until she can see it. Due to a demanding schedule, that visit might take a while.

Oops. Silly me. My proofreading wife has saved me from yet another inaccuracy. I am told that it is due to being too lazy to shave off the fur, that the visit might take a while.

But sooner or later, the beard will have to go. I don't want to be mistaken for Charles Manson. Nor Fidel Castro. Nor Josephia Quade, whomever she is.

And summer is most certainly not the best season for growing a beard. The fur would come in handy in wintertime, when I need all the protection I can get against the bitter arctic winds. In summer, it will only make my face melt in the heat.

But what will finally end my curiosity – and my laziness! – is food. When something gooey that I cannot identify gets stuck in this thing, out comes the razor. And the scissors. And the chansaw..

Besides, all this beard-growing can be of little comfort to those people wanting most to rearrange my face because of my vocal opinions. I now have more opinions than ever. A beard won't solve their problem.

A stapler might.